The Key to Resolving Almost Any Conflict

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I hear a lot about how resolving conflicts and working through fights is difficult. That may be true in most cases because fighting sucks in general, but I've come to realize in my own conflicts (although they are rare because I'm extremely conflict shy and way too nice) is that the absolute number one key to resolving most conflicts is to put your ego away. That's it. Everyone involved needs to be willing to put their ego away long enough to recognize how they contributed to the conflict. And whether you want to own up to this truth or not, you absolutely contributed to the conflict in one way or another. When you're willing to recognize and acknowledge how, the conflict will simmer down. 

Even if you get into a fight with someone who punches you in the face for no reason, you still contributed to the conflict. Maybe it was by looking at them wrong. Maybe it was by punching them back. Maybe it was by adding fuel to their fire in some way. 

Two people don't just fight for no reason. If one party simply chose not to participate, then there wouldn't be a conflict in the first place. You feel me? But as long as both people are actively participating in the conflict, they're both at fault. They both did something to piss the other person off.     

So with that said, here are 3 tips for putting your ego away when you're involved in a conflict with someone else: 

1. Ask yourself, "How did I contribute to this issue?"

Be honest with yourself about the role you played in the conflict. You obviously did something, or else the other person wouldn't be mad at you. Never think, "I didn't do anything! He or she started this!" It doesn't matter who started it. Both of you are dragging it out, and until you're both willing to own up to the role you played, the issue will not be resolved. Recognize how you contributed, and then own up to it. When you do that, the other person will immediately calm down, own up to how they contributed, and be more willing to finish the discussion in a civilized manner...unless they're just really stubborn and hold grudges too easily.    

2. Keep the focus on yourself and on the problem at hand. 

Never point your finger entirely at the other person, and never pull out a laundry list of complaints that are completely unrelated to the problem at hand. Turn your finger around, and stay focused on the current issue. For example, if you're mad at your husband for leaving his dirty clothes on the floor, don't start yelling at him about how he never offers to unload the dishwasher. And then put your ego away long enough to realize that maybe if you stopped nagging and started being more patient and polite, he would feel more compelled to put his dirty clothes in the hamper and offer to help with the dishes every once in awhile.     

3. Apologize for the role you played in the conflict. 

Last but certainly not least, be willing to apologize. I think the saying, "Love means never having to say you're sorry" is a bucket of bull. Love means always having to say you're sorry. Even if it's simply for upsetting the other person. Even if you don't entirely understand why they're upset in the first place. Own up to the role you played in the conflict and then apologize for it. Nothing will put a fire out quicker. Trust me.

<3 Madison  

Thoughts on Being/Caring for an Introvert

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I know there are like 500 billion articles about introversion and the care and keeping of your introvert out there, but I've always really loved and connected with them. I'm obviously a huge introvert myself, so lists like the one above make me feel understood.

So today, I want to share my own thoughts on introversion and how I personally prefer to be treated as a result of mine. Whether you're an introvert yourself or know and love someone who is, maybe the following thoughts will help you understand yourself and/or someone else a little better. 

1. I need uninterrupted solitude on a daily basis. 

Solitude is my best friend. I'm alone for a substantial amount of time almost every single day, and it is wonderful. Some people don't understand how or why I do it. "How do you DO it? How do you stay home alone every day? Don't you get lonely? Don't you get bored?!" Nope. I love it, I need it, and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I also work from home, which is fantastic.    

2. I hate a majority of social gatherings.

I've been to enjoyable and fulfilling social gatherings before, but I generally try to avoid them. Especially if I don't know too many of the people who are going to be there. Whenever I get invited to a gathering (which is rare), I like to know what to expect from it. Who will be there? What will we be doing? When will I get to go back home? That sort of thing.. 

3. I'm a deep thinker.

I think more than I talk or do, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. It can be a bad thing because sometimes I fail to take action and overthink things, but it's a good thing because I'm very perceptive and introspective. I notice things. I pay attention to things. I make an effort to understand things. I spend a lot of time in my head. If I have a stupid or complex look on my face, I'm not mentally challenged or plotting your death in my head. I'm just thinking about stuff.  

4. If I don't have anything to say to you, it's probably because you're not really all that interesting to me. Or because I haven't warmed up to you yet.

In addition to being introverted, I'm also pretty timid. So it takes me awhile to warm up to people unless you're one of those rare, wonderful people who are super easy to warm up to almost immediately. (I've met a few in my lifetime.) But if I have had an adequate amount of time to warm up to you and I still don't have much to say when you're around, I probably just don't relate to you or connect with you. It's nothing personal. We just don't click...And I "click" with very few people.    

5. If you interrupt me, I will not finish what I was saying...At least not willingly. 

I hate being interrupted, especially when I feel like I've actually got something really useful or witty to say. Being interrupted totally kills my mood/spirit/self-esteem, so don't bother expecting me to finish what I was saying if you cut me off. Even if you say, "Sorry, what were you saying?" I will either forget what I was going to say because I have the attention span of a goldfish, or I will finish what I was saying reluctantly and with a grumpy attitude. 

6. I want to know about things in advance, i.e. unexpected visits, changes in my day, changes in my life, etc. 

I don't like surprises. I like to know about and be able to prepare for things in advance. If someone is stopping by, I want to have time to brush my hair and mentally prepare myself for their arrival/presence. If a kink is being thrown in my usual routine, I want to have time to efficiently plan my way around it. And so on and so forth... 

7. I don't like being the center of attention.

I really don't like being the center of attention, whether it's during a family dinner or a major event of some sort. When I graduated from high school, I almost literally ran across the stage like a gazelle to receive my diploma because I was so uncomfortable with everybody looking at me. And if I ever get married, I will probably be the most awkward bride on the face of the planet. Attention makes me want to barf.

8. I hate small talk.

"What have you been up to?" Nothing much. "What do you do?" I do lots of things. "So, tell me about yourself." I'm not interesting. "Do you have any hobbies?" Oh my goodness...Please go away.  

9. I generally try to avoid talking on the phone. 

There are only about 3-4 people that I feel comfortable talking to on the phone...And I rarely even talk to them on the phone. I definitely prefer email and texting because it gives me time and space to properly gather my thoughts before I put them out in the open. It's so bad that I even avoid job ads that require phone interviews unless I really, really want the job. Nine times out of ten, talking to me on the phone is like talking to a brick wall...a brick wall that says "like" and "um" a lot. It will be a profound waste of your time. Trust me.

10. I'm not anti-social...I'm selectively social. 

Yes, I stole that from some e-card I saw on Pinterest. Perhaps you've seen it. I can't tell you how many times people have said things like, "You NEVER talk." No, darling. I just don't talk to YOU. And probably with good reason. *burn* But seriously though...I can count the people I truly connect with on one hand. If I don't connect with you, we won't have very much to talk about. It's just the way I'm wired. 

Cheers to being an introvert! 

<3 Madison     

  

Fun Activities to Do as a Family

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It's easy for most families to fall into the general day-to-day rut of routine and forget to spend any real time together. I think it's good to make a point to do fun things together, even when you'd rather just sit on the couch and watch crime shows in your pajamas. Planning and executing fun activities with the people you love is almost always worth it.

Get out of your routine rut this weekend, and do one (or more) of the following activities with your family:

~ Pretend to be tourists in your own city. Try different restaurants, visit different parks, go sightseeing, etc. You could even top off the day by staying at a local hotel. And don't forget to take lots of pictures!

~ Have a "family favorites" themed dinner. Each family member brings their favorite recipe to the table. It's okay if everyone's favorite recipe is a dessert recipe. The only rule is that it has to be your favorite. 

~ Go to a local park or zoo that you've never been to before. 

~ Have a picnic at a scenic location.

~ Go out to eat, or simply sit down and share a meal at the same table. No cell phones or electronics allowed. 

~ Go kayaking or canoeing. 

~ Have a family game night. (I personally don't care much for game nights, but if it sounds fun to you, go for it!) 

~ Plan your next family vacation. Let everyone pitch in and share their ideas. 

~ Film a home video. Remember those? 

~ Leave the house early in the morning, and commit to not going back until the sun has gone down. You can do whatever you want while you're gone all day. However, do not plan ahead. This is supposed to be spontaneous. Just get up, get dressed, and get out of the house. (You might want to bring some money and any other desired necessities along.)   

~ Go ice skating.

~ Go window shopping.

~ Camp out in the backyard. 

~ Have a movie night. And take a vote on which movies to watch. 

Do you have any other ideas? I'd love to hear them if you do!

Happy Friday! :-)

<3 Madison

10 Simple Ways to Express Love

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This may be a bit of an unpopular opinion, but I don't think love is really all that complicated. There are many different forms of it and many different definitions of it, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. 

Love is sharing your sandwich with someone who forgot theirs. Love is doing something thoughtful or helpful without being told. Love is putting your cell phone away while someone is bearing their soul to you. Love is giving people the freedom to be who they are and do what they love without giving them speeches on all the ways they're doing it wrong. Love is baking cookies or cupcakes and wrapping them up really nicely for someone simply because you wanted to. Love is thinking someone is the bee's knees even when they're a horrible grumpy mess. Love is making sacrifices. Love is giving ridiculously long hugs. 

I could keep going, but I don't want to get annoying...

When it comes to love, whether it's love for a partner, a family member, a friend or a pet, there are simple ways to express that love. 

Here are 10 ideas/reminders to show the people you love some love:

1. Be emotionally present. 

Being emotionally present means being attentive and emotionally available when you're with people. Don't ignore them or constantly get distracted with other things. Be genuinely elated to be in their company. Attentiveness is one of the best gifts you can give to a person you love.  

2. Be curious before being presumptuous. 

Making assumptions is a quick and easy way to create conflict and anger. Never assume anything about a person without solid evidence of its truth. For example, don't assume that your boyfriend is mad at you if he doesn't answer your text messages all day or that your grandmother disapproves of your job because she asks lots of questions about it. I'm still working on this one...    

3. Be supportive. 

Being supportive is one of the biggest ways to express love. Always be supportive of your loved ones' goals and dreams---even if you disagree or secretly wish they would do something else. If it makes them happy, it should make you happy too. 

4. Give without expectations.

I think it's kind of instinctual for some people to give and then hope or expect something in return. Expecting some kind of reciprocation takes the joy out of giving and may lead to resentment or frustration if that reciprocation isn't produced. Give because you want to, not because you're looking for something in return.    

5. Be thoughtful. 

Be mindful of other people's feelings, and make a point to be kind and thoughtful as often as possible. Nothing says "I love you" quite like a simple act of kindness or a well thought-out expression of love or gratitude.  

6. Don't judge. 

Passing judgment is hurtful, and it's really not your place to judge others anyway---especially the people you love. If you have a habit of judging your loved ones, start practicing acceptance instead. Your efforts won't go unnoticed. 

7. Be silly.

Don't take yourself or the people you love too seriously. Have fun, be playful, and let your adventurous and childlike side come out more often.    

8. Be open and honest.

Honesty is a huge contributing factor to happy, successful relationships. Be who you are, tell the truth, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable. You will feel more connected to people, and people will feel more connected to you. It's a win-win. 

9. Avoid petty conflict. 

Don't nag, criticize, pick fights, belittle, etc. If something is no big deal, don't pick a fight over it. If someone you love does something that makes you angry, don't pull out a laundry list of all the other things they do that make you angry. If someone you love messes up, don't criticize or berate them for it. Just be nice, and avoid creating drama and conflict over things that aren't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. 

10. Practice unconditional love.

To love another person means to love all of them, regardless of their flaws, shortcomings, bad moods, illnesses, etc. Conditional love is not real love. If you only love someone at their best, you can't truly appreciate them at their worst.

<3 Madison 

Remembering to Love Your Family (Why We Take Each Other for Granted)

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I take my family for granted about 7 or 8 times out of 10. I suspect a lot of us do. It's natural and common to fall into a routine with our families and become attached to the "Oh, they'll always be there" mindset.

"I don't have time to play with my child right now. I'll do it tomorrow...or next week."
"It feels too awkward to tell my brother I love him. It's not like we'll never see each other again!"
"It's not really a big deal if I hurt my mom's feelings. She'll forgive me and love me no matter what."

I guess it's true that the people we take for granted the most are the people we love the most. We assume that we'll always be forgiven for our mistakes. We assume the people we love will always be there. We deflect the reality of death and ignore the possibility that our family relationships can become irreparably damaged if we're not careful.

I try to stay aware of these truths and remember to love my family the way I know they love me.

Here are a few simple things you can start doing to better nurture your relationships with your family members:

Eat meals together.

This is such a simple way to feel more connected to your family, yet it's something that lots of families don't do. We use conflicting schedules and several other factors as an excuse to not sit down and enjoy a meal together. Whenever I share a meal with a family member or multiple family members, I'm filled with a sense of connection and comfort. In fact, studies show that families who eat meals together have increased communication, higher brain power, and improved nutrition.  

Have regular heart-to-hearts. 

Nothing quite nurtures my soul like a good heart-to-heart. It's important to have open communication with your family and feel comfortable enough to come to each other for advice and support---no matter what. Being able to engage in deep conversation and open up to one another is vital to the success of any relationship.

Don't miss things.

Try to be active in the lives of your family members. Attend weddings, graduations, talent shows, award ceremonies, etc. And if you can't make it to a certain event, be sure to send your love to the people who wanted you there. I try my best not to miss things. Everyone needs love and support on their big days.

Pick up the phone.

I, personally, am not much of a phone talker. And that's okay. If you don't want to keep in touch via telephone, then text or send emails. Stay in touch with your family, and respond accordingly when they try to stay in touch with you.

Plan bonding activities. 

Living under the same roof isn't what bonds you to another person. Spending quality time together and planning fun activities regularly is what bonds you to another person. Visit amusement parks, go on picnics, have family movie nights, take trips together, etc. Plan things. Do things. Enjoy things.

Be playful and silly. 

I know I've warmed up to a person when my guard comes down and I can just be goofy and playful with them. Don't take yourself or your family so seriously. Be lighthearted, joke around, and make time to play.

Apologize. 

I think the notion that love means never having to say you're sorry is bullshit. (Pardon my French.) When you make mistakes and say hurtful things (which you will), be brave enough to apologize. Hearing the words "I'm sorry" is like music to my ears, especially when I know that the other person truly means it and swallowed their pride long enough to let me know.  

Say "I love you" more often...and mean it. 

I feel like some people either don't say "I love you" enough, or they say it too much (in a rehearsed, obligatory way). You should say those three words often, but you should also feel those three words. It's easy to tell when someone is throwing out the phrase out of habit or if they're truly speaking from their heart. Think about the words, feel the words, and then say the words. And if you never say "I love you" or don't say it enough, start saying it. But only if you mean it.

<3 Madison