The Truth About Being Loved When You Don't Love Yourself

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"No one is going to love you until you love yourself."

How many times have you seen or heard this phrase or similar phrases? Well for starters, if you Google that sentence, you'll get about 377,000,000 results.  

For a long time, I really adopted this adage as a strongly personal belief. I concluded that I was entirely unlovable until I could learn to feel super good about myself and completely rid myself of all self-doubt, flaws and insecurities (which is impossible if you are a human).   

While there is a profound lesson to be learned in the above phrase, there is also a rather damaging misconception about it.   

So allow me to break it apart and fill it with five truths that I find so much more valid and empowering. I hope they help you see love and yourself in a new light.        

Truth #1: Everyone hates themselves sometimes.

Loving yourself unconditionally is one of the hardest things in the world. If you meet anyone who says loving themselves is easy and effortless at all times, they're lying. While I agree that actively learning to love and be kind to yourself leads to stronger, more loving relationships, I disagree that no one is going to love you if you occasionally have a difficult time loving yourself. We're all hard on ourselves, and we all need to be reminded of our worth whenever that happens.  

Truth #2: Your partner cannot fix you, save you, or complete you.

No one can fill your inner void except you, which is similar to saying, "No one is going to love you until you love yourself." That is the only profound lesson I can find in that statement. Your partner cannot solve all of your problems or fight your battles for you. He or she can only stand beside you as you do those things on your own. That's an important thing to remember. You can always lean on people, but they can't always hold you up.      

Truth #3: Struggling with self-love does not make you unlovable.

I'm going to say that again. Struggling with self-love does not make you unlovable. And that is essentially what is being suggested in the notion that no one will love you until you love yourself. You are an infinitely valuable human being, and you're going to struggle with self-love time and time again. People will still love you when you don't love yourself. In fact, the best people will love you even more during such times---which leads me to the next truth…  

Truth #4: You need love the most when you feel you deserve it the least.

Sometimes I go through bouts of self-hatred where I genuinely feel like I don't deserve love and silently question anyone who gives it to me. It's harder to accept something when you deeply believe that you don't deserve it. But you truly need love the most when you feel this way, and the best people in your life will shower you with it. Once you start treating yourself and others with more compassion, for better or worse, your whole world and your whole heart will open up.   

Truth #5: The right people will love you no matter what.

The right people will love you when you make a mistake. The right people will love you when you feel worthless. The right people will love you when you swear at them or hurt their feelings. The right people will love you when you act like a brat or fly into a mini rage because you have a slow Internet connection. The right people will love you when they see your glaring flaws or watch you take nine steps in the wrong direction.

True love is unconditional. Do not place the expectation of unconditional love on every person you meet or date because not everyone will live up to that expectation. But if you stay open and actively practice self-love, the right people will come into your life. And if you have a day or two where you hate yourself a little, it will be okay with them---because sometimes they will hate themselves a little too.

When someone falls in love with you, they will fall in love with all of you. They will love you at your best and at your worst. And they will love you even when you have a hard time loving yourself.

<3 Madison 

Coming Clean (A Short Memoir): My Journey Through OCD and Post-High School Depression

Hello everyone!

The promotional campaign for my first eBook launched a couple of days ago, and I wanted to direct you to the post I wrote about it on Journey of a Soul Searcher (since I do not find it necessary to repeat myself here).

Please click here to learn more about the eBook and where/how you can purchase it.

And click HERE to read a couple of excerpts.

Thank you endlessly!

<3 Madison

The Key to Resolving Almost Any Conflict

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I hear a lot about how resolving conflicts and working through fights is difficult. That may be true in most cases because fighting sucks in general, but I've come to realize in my own conflicts (although they are rare because I'm extremely conflict shy and way too nice) is that the absolute number one key to resolving most conflicts is to put your ego away. That's it. Everyone involved needs to be willing to put their ego away long enough to recognize how they contributed to the conflict. And whether you want to own up to this truth or not, you absolutely contributed to the conflict in one way or another. When you're willing to recognize and acknowledge how, the conflict will simmer down. 

Even if you get into a fight with someone who punches you in the face for no reason, you still contributed to the conflict. Maybe it was by looking at them wrong. Maybe it was by punching them back. Maybe it was by adding fuel to their fire in some way. 

Two people don't just fight for no reason. If one party simply chose not to participate, then there wouldn't be a conflict in the first place. You feel me? But as long as both people are actively participating in the conflict, they're both at fault. They both did something to piss the other person off.     

So with that said, here are 3 tips for putting your ego away when you're involved in a conflict with someone else: 

1. Ask yourself, "How did I contribute to this issue?"

Be honest with yourself about the role you played in the conflict. You obviously did something, or else the other person wouldn't be mad at you. Never think, "I didn't do anything! He or she started this!" It doesn't matter who started it. Both of you are dragging it out, and until you're both willing to own up to the role you played, the issue will not be resolved. Recognize how you contributed, and then own up to it. When you do that, the other person will immediately calm down, own up to how they contributed, and be more willing to finish the discussion in a civilized manner...unless they're just really stubborn and hold grudges too easily.    

2. Keep the focus on yourself and on the problem at hand. 

Never point your finger entirely at the other person, and never pull out a laundry list of complaints that are completely unrelated to the problem at hand. Turn your finger around, and stay focused on the current issue. For example, if you're mad at your husband for leaving his dirty clothes on the floor, don't start yelling at him about how he never offers to unload the dishwasher. And then put your ego away long enough to realize that maybe if you stopped nagging and started being more patient and polite, he would feel more compelled to put his dirty clothes in the hamper and offer to help with the dishes every once in awhile.     

3. Apologize for the role you played in the conflict. 

Last but certainly not least, be willing to apologize. I think the saying, "Love means never having to say you're sorry" is a bucket of bull. Love means always having to say you're sorry. Even if it's simply for upsetting the other person. Even if you don't entirely understand why they're upset in the first place. Own up to the role you played in the conflict and then apologize for it. Nothing will put a fire out quicker. Trust me.

<3 Madison  

Thoughts on Being/Caring for an Introvert

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I know there are like 500 billion articles about introversion and the care and keeping of your introvert out there, but I've always really loved and connected with them. I'm obviously a huge introvert myself, so lists like the one above make me feel understood.

So today, I want to share my own thoughts on introversion and how I personally prefer to be treated as a result of mine. Whether you're an introvert yourself or know and love someone who is, maybe the following thoughts will help you understand yourself and/or someone else a little better. 

1. I need uninterrupted solitude on a daily basis. 

Solitude is my best friend. I'm alone for a substantial amount of time almost every single day, and it is wonderful. Some people don't understand how or why I do it. "How do you DO it? How do you stay home alone every day? Don't you get lonely? Don't you get bored?!" Nope. I love it, I need it, and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I also work from home, which is fantastic.    

2. I hate a majority of social gatherings.

I've been to enjoyable and fulfilling social gatherings before, but I generally try to avoid them. Especially if I don't know too many of the people who are going to be there. Whenever I get invited to a gathering (which is rare), I like to know what to expect from it. Who will be there? What will we be doing? When will I get to go back home? That sort of thing.. 

3. I'm a deep thinker.

I think more than I talk or do, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. It can be a bad thing because sometimes I fail to take action and overthink things, but it's a good thing because I'm very perceptive and introspective. I notice things. I pay attention to things. I make an effort to understand things. I spend a lot of time in my head. If I have a stupid or complex look on my face, I'm not mentally challenged or plotting your death in my head. I'm just thinking about stuff.  

4. If I don't have anything to say to you, it's probably because you're not really all that interesting to me. Or because I haven't warmed up to you yet.

In addition to being introverted, I'm also pretty timid. So it takes me awhile to warm up to people unless you're one of those rare, wonderful people who are super easy to warm up to almost immediately. (I've met a few in my lifetime.) But if I have had an adequate amount of time to warm up to you and I still don't have much to say when you're around, I probably just don't relate to you or connect with you. It's nothing personal. We just don't click...And I "click" with very few people.    

5. If you interrupt me, I will not finish what I was saying...At least not willingly. 

I hate being interrupted, especially when I feel like I've actually got something really useful or witty to say. Being interrupted totally kills my mood/spirit/self-esteem, so don't bother expecting me to finish what I was saying if you cut me off. Even if you say, "Sorry, what were you saying?" I will either forget what I was going to say because I have the attention span of a goldfish, or I will finish what I was saying reluctantly and with a grumpy attitude. 

6. I want to know about things in advance, i.e. unexpected visits, changes in my day, changes in my life, etc. 

I don't like surprises. I like to know about and be able to prepare for things in advance. If someone is stopping by, I want to have time to brush my hair and mentally prepare myself for their arrival/presence. If a kink is being thrown in my usual routine, I want to have time to efficiently plan my way around it. And so on and so forth... 

7. I don't like being the center of attention.

I really don't like being the center of attention, whether it's during a family dinner or a major event of some sort. When I graduated from high school, I almost literally ran across the stage like a gazelle to receive my diploma because I was so uncomfortable with everybody looking at me. And if I ever get married, I will probably be the most awkward bride on the face of the planet. Attention makes me want to barf.

8. I hate small talk.

"What have you been up to?" Nothing much. "What do you do?" I do lots of things. "So, tell me about yourself." I'm not interesting. "Do you have any hobbies?" Oh my goodness...Please go away.  

9. I generally try to avoid talking on the phone. 

There are only about 3-4 people that I feel comfortable talking to on the phone...And I rarely even talk to them on the phone. I definitely prefer email and texting because it gives me time and space to properly gather my thoughts before I put them out in the open. It's so bad that I even avoid job ads that require phone interviews unless I really, really want the job. Nine times out of ten, talking to me on the phone is like talking to a brick wall...a brick wall that says "like" and "um" a lot. It will be a profound waste of your time. Trust me.

10. I'm not anti-social...I'm selectively social. 

Yes, I stole that from some e-card I saw on Pinterest. Perhaps you've seen it. I can't tell you how many times people have said things like, "You NEVER talk." No, darling. I just don't talk to YOU. And probably with good reason. *burn* But seriously though...I can count the people I truly connect with on one hand. If I don't connect with you, we won't have very much to talk about. It's just the way I'm wired. 

Cheers to being an introvert! 

<3 Madison     

  

Embracing Humanity and Releasing Perfection in Relationships

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One of my biggest pet peeves is the frequently pushed notion that we have to achieve a certain level of perfection in dating and relationships in order to be liked, accepted and loved. 

Have you ever watched a movie, read an article, or otherwise heard a nugget of relationship "wisdom" from someone else that made you question your own relationship or dating life? Because here's the thing---if you're happy and your relationship or dating life is chugging along exceptionally well, there's no need to question it because of what someone else says. No relationship is perfect, and we certainly don't have to paint a picture of perfect in our own lives to attract people who will love us. 

I prefer advice that is real, relevant and encouraging---advice that acknowledges the humanity and vulnerability that lies within us all...Not advice that tells you how to wear your hair on a first date or that being super successful and confident is the only way to attract true love.  

Real love consists of two flawed, imperfect people loving each other despite their flaws and imperfections. So today, I am handing the torch over to five writers who have inspired and re-inspired that truth.

Take a look at the following articles if you want some real relationship advice:

Question of the Day: Is Anyone Ever Happy in a Long-Term Relationship?

Written by Keltie Knight

Long-term relationships can be hard, confusing, and just plain scary. This blog post acknowledges those feelings from a place of uncertainty and vulnerability. The images and quotes contained within the attached gallery further solidify the chaotic nature of love and can help anyone going through a confusing, scary or painful phase in their relationship feel less alone. And just to throw in a handful of optimism, Keltie's relationship worked out after all...She recently got married. :-)  

How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship When You're Depressed

Written by Lisa Esile

I have read and shared this article so many times. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it on the Internet before. There are so many articles out there about the importance of loving yourself, being confident, being happy, etc. "A happy wife equals a happy life," they say. But no one ever seems to talk about the human tendency to just really hate yourself and be depressed sometimes.

It's all about perception, understanding, and how we treat ourselves and others when depression or self-hatred decides to stop by for a visit. If you ever feel like there is something tragically wrong with you or that your happy, healthy relationship is doomed when you have an off day, the above article is a must-read. Like the quote at the top of the article says, "Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun, like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now."   

5 Damaging Myths We Believe About Relationships

Written by Sheryl Paul

I want to high-five the author of this incredibly refreshing article. She debunks several of the most commonly tossed around beliefs that lead people to end relationships with perfectly good partners. If conventional relationship wisdom is grating on your nerves or causing you to question your own relationship when you have no logical reason to, the above article is definitely for you.       

Self-Esteem and Insecurities

Written by Bethany Grow

In this honest and relevant blog post, the author discusses the difficulty of accepting unconditional love from your partner when you feel like you don't deserve it. It's a very common feeling, yet so few people openly talk or write about it.

When you're in a relationship with a wonderful person who is everything you want and more, it's easy to fall into a mindset of not feeling good enough for them and wanting to be the "person of their dreams." But what we sometimes fail to realize is that "the perfect man" or "the perfect woman" is a fantasy. There's no such thing as perfect. And the author goes from talking about her insecurities in this area to talking about acceptance of herself, flaws and all.

I think the ultimate message of the post is to love yourself the way your loved ones love you and to actually believe them when they tell you how great you are.       

SHOCKINGLY STUPID ADVICE: How Cosmopolitan Magazine is Misleading a Generation of Young Women

Written by Therese Schwenkler

This post is one of the greatest things on the entire Internet. It's so refreshing to know that I'm not the only human on the face of the planet who thinks most mainstream dating and relationship advice is terrible. Attracting dudes is NOT the sole purpose of a woman's existence. And it's not like half the advice for young women out there will lead to true love anyway. But enough from me. Read the above article, and see the epicness for yourself.

Do you have any other great relationship articles to share?

<3 Madison  

I'm Back!

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Hello everyone.

I'm sorry if I was missed during my random hiatus, and I'm even more sorry if you never got the memo as to why I disappeared. (I tried to get the word out!) But I'm back now and want to explain and inform you of a few things.  

1. If you're wondering why I randomly deleted the blog, it's because this article brought my attention to the fact that I wasn't being very wise about my photo use. I honestly thought it was okay to use whatever photos I fancied as long as I cited the original source and didn't make any money off the photos. Nope. Apparently, you still put yourself at risk for getting sued.

So I went back and forth in my head about what to do before deciding that it would be best to delete my blog until I made an informed decision about future photo use. I now use this nifty little resource to find my photos.

2. I'm not going to lie to you...I hated deleting this blog. I hate that I spent nearly four hours relaunching it and finding all new photos yesterday. I hate how much harder it is to find photos I can actually use. I hate that I can't take random drool-worthy photos off Google and Pinterest and compile them into photo heavy, visually appealing blog posts anymore. And I'm probably going to piss and moan and be a little bit of a grumpy whiner about it for a little while. But I wanted to do the right thing. When you know you're doing something wrong, you should stop doing it.

3. If you'll notice, some of my old posts are missing. And every single one of my home and organization posts are missing because (almost) every single one of them contained lots of photos that I either couldn't replace or didn't feel like replacing. In my opinion, home and organization posts just aren't very entertaining or informative without pictures. It would be very difficult and kind of boring to write a post about how to make the inside of your closet look rad if you don't show pictures of rad closets. Or to write a post about your obsession with cottage-style and not show pictures of cottage-style home designs.

So although I still want to write about home and organization, I probably won't write about it as often as I used to...Because safe-to-use photos are limited in that area. In fact, I can no longer publish photo heavy posts at all unless I find the pictures I'm looking for or get express permission to use them. I'm sorry if my photo heavy posts were your favorite. I liked them too...

4. I will no longer blog twice a week, every week. The fact that there are now gaps in my "every Wednesday and Friday" blogging schedule makes my OCD mind want to blog as sporadically as my previous posts appear. I will still post on Wednesdays and Fridays...It just won't be EVERY Wednesday and Friday. I don't have time to spend two hours looking for relevant photos twice a week. But I will still blog as often as I can and as often as inspiration hits.

5. I hope you'll keep reading this little blog of mine. Because I really want to keep writing it despite these changes.

<3 Madison              

A Chat About Self-Love with Lori Deschene

I am a huge fan of Lori and Tiny Buddha, as most of you may know. So I was beyond excited when I got an email asking if it would be okay if she featured one of my Tiny Buddha posts in her upcoming book, Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself. It was a no-brainer.  

The excitement continued when she asked if I would be interested in posting a Q&A with her on this little blog of mine. It was another no-brainer. I've always wanted to interview Lori, but never had a relevant theme or topic in mind. Now I have one! 

So I sent Lori some questions about self-love, and she got back to me with these wonderfully insightful responses. I hope they inspire you as much as they inspired me.

1. What initially inspired you to write Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself? 

It's something I've planned to do for awhile---start a series of "Tiny Buddha's Guide to" books, drawing from the many inspiring stories on the site.

Self-love seemed like the perfect topic to start with, since this is the core of all personal growth and the foundation for loving others and loving life.

It's also the foundation of my greatest struggles.

For a long time, I thought my life was a mess because of my depression, or my former eating disorder, or my lack of purpose, or my lack of money, but at the heart of all those troubles was my unwavering self-loathing.

2. We all struggle with loving ourselves sometimes, and no one ever truly arrives at a place of complete self-acceptance. It's human nature to be hard on ourselves. How do you deal when loving yourself is hard?

Reminding myself of this truth is the first thing I do. Sometimes I get hard on myself for getting hard on myself, which is incredibly ironic when you think about it.

It's piling judgment on top of pain---emotions on top of emotions---and it's a surefire way to get stuck.

Beyond that, it varies. Sometimes I'm proud of how I deal. I get outside and out of my head and take good care of my mind and body. Other times, I shut down and guard myself until I feel better. I'm a work in progress!

3. Do you ever struggle with looking for truth in the less than flattering things people say or think about you? If so, how do you move past that?

Absolutely. For a long time, I interpreted every criticism or judgment as proof that I was a fundamentally bad person. I literally feared other people's perceptions of me because I saw each one as a mirror.

I became a chameleon, trying to be whatever I thought people would accept. And later, I adopted the "indisputably good person" persona, thinking no one could possibly judge me if I tried really hard to be a short, blond Dalai Lama.

I feel I've made tremendous progress here because I now realize that being disliked by some is a sign that I am being real---and creating the possibility of being liked by others who actually appreciate me for who I am.

To read my full interview with Lori, click here!

<3 Madison

10 Ways to Be a Nicer Person

Image source: flickr.com  

I am constantly disheartened by the meanness, rudeness and cruelty I see in the world, on the Internet, and in everyday life. Some people are just very cruel and judgmental, and I know that's never going to change. Even some of the most well-meaning people are prone to eyebrow raising meanness every now and then. It's rare to find a nice person who's nice to everyone and not just the people who are easier to be nice to. Why is everyone so hell-bent on fighting fire with fire? Why is getting along so difficult?    

No one is perfect (obviously), but I certainly don't think it would hurt if we all made a conscious effort to be a little nicer to each other. There are simple things you can do and simple things you can become more aware of to make steps towards being a better person.   

Here are 10 things I am working on and would recommend to you:

1. Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.

This is one of my favorite quotes, and I try my very best to live by it. If you want to bash something you hate in your mind or rant about it in your journal, go ahead. But don't do it out loud or post about it on Twitter and Facebook. Instead, talk about what you love and glorify that.  

2. Don't gossip.

I try to avoid gossip as much as possible, and I try to catch myself when I'm saying something negative about someone behind their back. If you have a problem with someone, go to them. Don't whine to other people about it. Also, don't spread rumors about people when you have no evidence to back up the rumors' truth...or even if you do have evidence. Spreading rumors is wrong no matter what.     

3. Be charitable.

You don't have to donate a fat check to your favorite charity every year to be considered charitable. A little can go a long way. I have a cousin who frequently packs lunches for homeless people in her area. If you have the power to help someone in need, do it. All help is good help.   

4. Don't judge.

We're all on our own journey, and we all have our own beliefs and ways of life. Don't judge someone if what they believe or how they live doesn't match what you believe or how you live. Respect other people's paths. You have no right to judge them if you've never been in their shoes.    

5. Give people a chance.

Don't make judgments or assumptions about people until you've truly gotten to know them. A lot of people think I'm anti-social or boring (maybe I sort of am) when they first meet me because I'm so quiet, awkward, and in my head. But the people who have gotten to know me as a human being have been pleasantly surprised. I know it seems easier to judge a book by its cover, but if you do, you could miss out on a great story. 

6. Be polite.

This is a simple one. Say please and thank you. Hold the door open. Smile back. Be friendly. Give people a hand. Don't ask intrusive or personal questions. You get the idea...

7. Be open-minded.

Open-mindedness is one of my favorite human qualities. An open mind leads to an open heart. Be open to what makes each person unique and worthy of love.

8. Give without expecting anything in return.

Expectation of reciprocation takes the joy out of giving. Giving simply because you want to and because it matters to you is the best kind of giving there is. To know that you helped someone or made someone's day should be reward enough.  

9. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Unfortunately, this age old rule is heartbreakingly ignored and underrated. Try to live by it anyway. If you wouldn't want someone doing or saying the thing you're about to do or say to someone else, don't do or say it. That sounds easy enough, right? 

10. Smile more. 

Last but not least, try to smile at people more often. Sharing a smile is such a simple way to be kind and brighten someone's day.

<3 Madison  

Recipe: Grilled Peanut Butter and Apple Sandwich

I made this sandwich one day when I was looking for something quick, easy and light. It was so good, and I make it all the time now. I'm sure other people have already thought of this sandwich idea before, but I'm going to share my recipe with you anyway...in a more conversational style than my previous recipe posts if you don't mind. :-) 

Here we go!

What you need:

Bread

Butter

Apple

Peanut butter 

Step 1: Preheat a griddle or skillet over low to medium heat and melt about a tablespoon of butter on it.

Step 2: Grab two slices of bread (whichever kind you like) and spread a generous amount of peanut butter on one of the slices.

Step 3: Cut up about half of an apple into thin slices and layer the slices on top of the peanut butter like so...

Step 4: Put the two slices of bread together and place your sandwich on the heated and buttered griddle or skillet. Cook for about a minute or two on each side until golden brown. 

Step 5: Omnomnomnom

Enjoy!

<3 Madison  

28 Things You Have Permission to Do

Image source: flickr.com 

I used to (and still do sometimes) spend a lot of time feeling like I had to have approval or validation before doing something. We all like knowing that we're not alone. Whenever I want to do something out of the ordinary, it's almost like a reflex to Google if anyone else is doing it too or if it's considered okay to do it. It would make me feel better to read about people who were in the same boat as I was. It made me feel like maybe I was normal after all. 

I'm far from the average Jane, but I realize now that that's okay. I'm uniquely me, and I have every right to do whatever makes me happy, regardless of whether or not it puts me at risk for judgement. And no matter what you do, you're at risk for judgment, so you might as well not even worry about being judged in the first place. 

The following list is inspired by both my own experiences and what I commonly hear other people getting flack for. I hope it gives you some reassurance. 

Here are 28 things you have permission to do... 

1. Love and commit to your job, even if the pay is mediocre

2. Be single

3. Hate social gatherings

4. Live a small life

5. Spoil your pets

6. Put your needs before other people's 

7. Choose love or kindness as a religion

8. Say no 

9. Vent  

10. Embrace the unknown

11. Create a wedding or baby board on Pinterest, even if you're not engaged or don't plan on having a baby anytime soon

12. Take a nap in the middle of the day

13. Watch daytime television while everyone else is at work

14. Be angry

15. Be sad

16. Be happy

17. Be bored

18. Be afraid 

19. Blog about whatever you want  

20. Suck at being a grown-up and then blame the school system for teaching you how to dissect frogs instead of teaching you how to do your taxes  

21. Want dessert after every meal

22. Ask for help

23. Talk to yourself in your mind...or out loud

24. Be a total mess

25. Take a huge risk for love 

26. Laugh at inappropriate jokes

27. Daydream 

28. Not wait for permission 

<3 Madison 

5 Ways to Avoid Complacency in Long-Term Relationships

Image source: flickr.com 

Like any other long-term arrangement in life, relationships can become stale and complacent if you're not self-aware. When someone becomes a regular part of your life and routine, it's almost human nature to take them for granted or assume that they'll always be around. They won't. 

All relationships should be treated with care and attention, but romantic relationships should especially get the TLC they need on a regular basis. 

Here are 5 ways to avoid complacency if you're in a long-term relationship that could use a little boost: 

1. Be thoughtful and considerate. 

Thoughtfulness is one of my absolute favorite qualities in a person, and it is a mandatory quality to have when someone else's heart is your responsibility. Extend thoughtful gestures without expecting anything in return. Be supportive and emotionally available. Pay attention to the things that matter to your significant other. Be mindful of their needs. By making a conscious effort to be more thoughtful and considerate on a day-to-day basis, the love between you and your special someone will blossom.  

2. Be playful. 

I wholeheartedly believe in the notion that the couple that plays together stays together (at least for quite awhile). Don't take life or each other too seriously. Do fun things together, play like little kids, and don't be afraid to laugh at inopportune moments.  

3. Go out on real dates.

By real date, I mean get dressed and actually go somewhere. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to watch late night movies in your pajamas or lie next to each other and read your respective books. But I wouldn't recommend making it a habit. Make an effort to go out on real dates and regularly come up with new ideas about what to do together. In the movie Date Night, Phil (Steve Carell) and Claire (Tina Fey) had a date night every week no matter how tired or stressed they were. That's an awesome idea. (Just don't steal anyone's reservation at a fancy restaurant.) 

4. Be spontaneous. 

Spontaneity usually leads to memorable moments. Ditch plans and routine every now and then, and just see where the day takes you. For example, you could take a road trip without a particular destination in mind or surprise each other with different activities throughout the day. Don't be afraid to stray from the usual and get out of your comfort zone. 

5. Consistently try new things together. 

Try to always have something new lined up to do together and look forward to. You might even want to consider making a "couple's bucket list." And after everything has been checked off the list, make a new one! Complacency results from doing the same things over and over again. Do something different every once in awhile to keep the spark alive. 

Do you have any other ideas for avoiding complacency in long-term relationships? I'd love to hear them!  

<3 Madison 

Can Money Buy Happiness?

Image source: commons.wikimedia.org 

"Money can't buy happiness." It's a classic adage that I've always embraced. But these days, I both agree and disagree with that statement. 

I certainly feel happier when I have more money coming in, as I'm sure most people do. More money gives me greater freedom and peace of mind. In fact, I've been trying to light a flame under my arse and work harder because my income is very much on the skimpy side at the moment.  

While I agree that money can't actually buy happiness (especially if you're lacking in other more important areas of your life), I definitely think it can lead to feeling happier.  

Allow me to explain my perspective...

Yes, money can contribute to happiness.

I read something in a blog post one time that really stood out to me, and I remember mentioning it once before on my other blog. It said something along the lines of, "It's fine and dandy to say that money isn't everything, but I have a landlord and a phone bill that would beg to differ." 

We all need money. It's an essential necessity in life. We have bills to pay, endless expenses to tend to, groceries to buy, etc. And quite frankly, money can buy a lot of things that lead to happiness---like ice cream and books. (Don't judge me.) 

Studies have shown that people with more money are generally happier than people with less. When the bills are paid, food is on the table, and you still have enough money left over to play with and contribute to things like vacations and entertainment, you feel happier and more secure. And financial stress is one of the greatest causes of discontentment. Being stressed out and not having the means to do the things you need and want to do doesn't exactly lead to joy. So with all of that said, I definitely believe that money contributes to happiness.   

No, money cannot buy happiness. 

So we've established that money can greatly contribute to happiness, which is almost the same as buying it. Almost. While there are lots of great things money can buy, there are even greater things that it can't.

Money can't buy love, peace, inner richness, contentment with self, kindness, friendship, respect, meaning, second chances, trust, gratitude...The list goes on and on.

To me, some of the best sources of joy are intangible and priceless. So if you're lacking the above, no amount of money can truly make you happy.


Do you think the old adage, "Money can't buy happiness" is a crock, or do you believe that the best things in life are free?

Share your thoughts if you have any!

<3 Madison       

4 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Deciding on a Wedding Venue

Image source: flickr.com 

Choosing the perfect wedding venue is a challenge for some soon to be brides. I think wedding venue selection should be an important part of the planning process. You want to find a location that means something to you and meets your needs.

Here are 4 questions to ask yourself before deciding on an official wedding venue: 

1. Do I want an indoor or an outdoor wedding?

This seems like a simple question, but you have a lot to consider when deciding if you want an indoor or outdoor wedding. For one thing, weather can be unpredictable. If you select an indoor venue, you don't have to worry about weather conditions such as rain, extreme heat or freezing winds. But on the other hand, outdoor weddings are generally cheaper, and you have more decorating room to work with. Trees, pathways, and other outdoor amenities can all be used as your wedding day canvas. Weigh the pros and cons of each option, and use the results to decide whether an indoor or outdoor wedding would be right for you and your future spouse.    

2. Which venue means something to me?

If you want to just pick any old venue, that's fine. But I would recommend picking one that means something to you---one that will be highly memorable. Toss some ideas around with your future spouse until you think of a place that makes your eyes sparkle and your heart explode. That will be the venue for you.  

3. Which venue will meet all my needs?

It's important to consider all your needs before deciding on a wedding venue. Space, budget, amenities and comfort are all things to consider. It would be wise to make sure there is enough room for any additional guests that may and probably will show up. I hear a lot about guests bringing dates and friends along without consulting anyone beforehand. I also hear a lot about uninvited people deciding to crash. It's nothing to throw a fit about though. Just plan for extra space and seating just in case, and thank any extra people for coming anyway. Choose a venue that will be comfortable for your guests as well. If you have a fair number of elderly people attending your potential beach wedding, they may not want to hobble through mounds of sand in their Sunday shoes. And if young children will be attending your potential alcohol-tastic club wedding, you may want to consider a more child friendly venue. Keep the comfort and convenience of your guests in mind, as well as your own needs. Leave no box unchecked.          

4. Which venue can I afford?

Last but not least, keep your budget in mind when deciding where to have your wedding. If you dream of having it at a luxury hotel in Manhattan that charges $5,000 dollars over your budget to host wedding ceremonies, you have to move on to other options. Don't go financially overboard with decorations and other additional features either. Commit a wedding budget to paper, and stay within it. No wedding is worth going into debt over. Remember that being married is more important than getting married. Don't get so wrapped up in planning the perfect wedding that you forget why you're getting married in the first place.  

<3 Madison   

Fun Activities to Do as a Family

Image source: commons.wikimedia.org 

It's easy for most families to fall into the general day-to-day rut of routine and forget to spend any real time together. I think it's good to make a point to do fun things together, even when you'd rather just sit on the couch and watch crime shows in your pajamas. Planning and executing fun activities with the people you love is almost always worth it.

Get out of your routine rut this weekend, and do one (or more) of the following activities with your family:

~ Pretend to be tourists in your own city. Try different restaurants, visit different parks, go sightseeing, etc. You could even top off the day by staying at a local hotel. And don't forget to take lots of pictures!

~ Have a "family favorites" themed dinner. Each family member brings their favorite recipe to the table. It's okay if everyone's favorite recipe is a dessert recipe. The only rule is that it has to be your favorite. 

~ Go to a local park or zoo that you've never been to before. 

~ Have a picnic at a scenic location.

~ Go out to eat, or simply sit down and share a meal at the same table. No cell phones or electronics allowed. 

~ Go kayaking or canoeing. 

~ Have a family game night. (I personally don't care much for game nights, but if it sounds fun to you, go for it!) 

~ Plan your next family vacation. Let everyone pitch in and share their ideas. 

~ Film a home video. Remember those? 

~ Leave the house early in the morning, and commit to not going back until the sun has gone down. You can do whatever you want while you're gone all day. However, do not plan ahead. This is supposed to be spontaneous. Just get up, get dressed, and get out of the house. (You might want to bring some money and any other desired necessities along.)   

~ Go ice skating.

~ Go window shopping.

~ Camp out in the backyard. 

~ Have a movie night. And take a vote on which movies to watch. 

Do you have any other ideas? I'd love to hear them if you do!

Happy Friday! :-)

<3 Madison

21 Things to Do If You're Unemployed

I love the above quote. Work is important, and we all have to make a living somehow, but it annoys me when people perpetually glorify and emphasize how busy they are. I think most people do it to feel validated...myself included. I'm guilty of saying things like, "I've been super busy lately." And even if I really have been busy, in the back of my mind, I'm hoping the comment somehow validated my worth as a human.

I've been somewhat unemployed for the past few weeks. I've had days of feeling embarrassed, worthless, depressed and unproductive, but the more I think about unemployment, the more I think of it as a blessing in disguise. You have every right to want to punch me in the face for that, but it's true. When we're not working, we give ourselves the opportunity to focus on other important matters aside from working---like self-care, kindness, playtime, the people we love, and therapeutic soul searching. It's easy to neglect all of those things when you're "super busy." 

So without further ado, I would like to present 21 things you can do if you're unemployed:

1. Stay in your pajamas all day. 

2. Do something good for your community. 

3. Catch up on sleep. 

4. Have a movie day---alone or with friends. 

5. Check something off your bucket list. 

6. Spend a few days (or longer) with a close relative or friend. 

7. Go for an aimless walk or drive just to see where you end up. 

8. Go around town and see how many random acts of kindness you can perform within 24 hours (or more).  

9. Bake some goodies you've been meaning to try, and display them in an "all you can eat buffet" fashion for your family or friends.   

10. Take up a new hobby. 

11. Write and mail some letters. 

12. Renovate or clean your home. 

13. Spend a day or two at the beach...or park...or wherever you want.  

14. Indulge in a guilty pleasure without feeling guilty about it at all. 

15. Plan a stay-cation. 

16. Set some new goals. 

17. Learn a new skill. 

18. Ask yourself what you really want to do and then do it. 

19. Use the extra time on your hands to assist people who don't have as much. For example, offer to clean, babysit, or run errands for someone who has been particularly busy lately. 

20. Get to know yourself---truly and deeply. 

21. Keep looking for work. 

<3 Madison 

  

Recipe: Kit-Kat Cookie Bars

I love Kit-Kat bars, and I love cookies. So clearly, this delicious baked dessert makes me really happy. It's a pretty big hit with all my brave taste testers, and it's super easy to make.

Check out the recipe! 

Ingredients

2 rolls Pillsbury sugar cookie dough

2 Kit-Kat bars

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Directions 

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Grease large baking pan.

3. Chop Kit-Kat bars into bite-sized squares and set aside.

4. Combine sugar cookie dough, vanilla, and Kit-Kat bar squares into a large bowl and mold until dough forms. (You may want to use your (clean) hands to mold the dough. That's what I do.) 

5. Spread dough evenly into baking pan. (Again, you will probably have to use your hands to press it all down in there.)

6. Poke holes in dough with a fork. (This will prevent the dough from rising too much. You want your bars to be flat.)

7. Bake for 20-25 minutes.

8. Let cool for 10-15 minutes.

9. Refrigerate for about 1 hour.

10. Cut into bars.

Enjoy! 

<3 Madison   

Dating Advice That Sucks

Image source: flickr.com 

I already expressed how I felt about love "rules" in my post, Love Doesn't Come with a Rulebook. But there are certain specific nuggets of dating advice that I hear time and time again that make me want to punch whoever came up with the advice in the first place. For the longest time, I listened to and believed such advice and thought there was something wrong with me if I decided to ignore it---that it would be (like, OMG) a total turnoff if I didn't do everything the "right way." 

I'm here to tell you that you have my permission and the permission of every other person who hates the following advice to break these commonly distributed dating rules:  

1. Always let the guy make the first move, let the guys chase you, etc.

This advice is sexist and highly overrated. Who cares if a girl makes the first move? I cannot fathom what could possibly be wrong with that. I read something on a blog one time that said something like, "Guys are animals. You need to let them chase you. If a guy doesn't have the confidence or "balls" to make the first move, he doesn't deserve you." That is so demeaning. Guys can be just as nervous as girls. It doesn't mean they don't deserve you. And if you're attracted to a guy, how the hell is he supposed to know if you don't approach him? This piece of advice probably gets under my skin the most. 

2. Being single by choice is abnormal. 

According to popular culture, it is practically a crime to be single by choice. Being in a relationship or getting married isn't a universal requirement of all mankind. If you don't want to date or prefer being independent, and you're totally happy that way, no one has the right to tell you to "hook up with someone already." So many people get into relationships because they think they're supposed to be in one. You do not have to do anything you don't want to do. God will not reach down from the heavens and slap you in the face if you choose to stay single. I swear.  

3. If you date someone with a different background, (cultural, religious, etc.) your relationship is doomed to fail. 

Wow. Whatever happened to acceptance and equality? Most people seem to think that dating people who have all the same things in common with you will prevent conflict later on down the road, but I have a news flash for those people. Every relationship faces conflict at some point, no matter how agreeable a couple is. Love is about accepting people as they are and meeting in the middle when conflict arises. Two people with different cultural or religious backgrounds can be happy by simply accepting and loving each other---differences and all. 

4. Play hard to get (or any other game for that matter).

I really hate dating advice that implies that you have to play games in order to win someone over. That doesn't work. And playing hard to get? That especially doesn't work. If you act like you're not interested in the person pursuing you, they will move on to someone who is. Love isn't a game. Either be with someone or don't.   

5. Say yes to every first date.  

I turned down this guy in high school once, and two of his friends called me horrible names, followed me around, and passed me harassing notes in English class for weeks---all because I didn't want to go out with their friend, whom I didn't even know. Plus, I wasn't even allowed to date at the time. But anyway, if the guy who wanted to go out with me was anything like his lovely friends or if he was the one who put them up to harassing me, I'm pretty glad I said no. If the thought of going out with someone makes you feel scared for your life or uncomfortable in any way, it's obviously okay to say no. Besides, would you rather go out with someone knowing full well that it will never work out, or would you rather just say no upfront and save both of you the potential drama and discomfort of the whole situation? I choose the latter.

What's the worst dating advice you've ever heard?

<3 Madison    

How to Deal with Overwhelming Wedding Emotions

Image source: flickr.com 

Weddings generally tend to evoke a lot of emotion, especially from the bride and groom. It's natural to feel a wide range of emotions when preparing for any huge commitment. I can only imagine the kinds of feelings that swim through brides and grooms on the big day.  

If your own wedding is coming up and you're having a hard time taming or making sense of any of the following emotions, maybe these tips and insights will help calm the waves.

Anxiety

I read a blog post the other day from a newlywed who claimed to have thrown up a few times upon waking up the day of her wedding. I also hear a lot about how some brides forget or even intentionally fail to eat meals on the day of their wedding because they're so nervous. Worries can pile on top of worries in your head and easily lead to intense anxiety.  

- Talk to your future spouse to see if he or she is feeling the same way. Remind yourself that you're both in this together. 

- Stay busy and distracted in the hours leading up to your wedding. Surround yourself with friends, celebrate your impending marriage, and have a good time! The trick is to get out of your own head. Your head will try to create problems that didn't exist in the first place. 

- Call a married friend or relative for advice and support. Talking to someone who has been in your shoes will more than likely help you feel calmer and less alone. 

- Pray. And if you're not a religious person, try surrendering your worries to the universe and trusting that your big day will be wonderful and jam-packed with love, joy and excitement.    

Stress

Wedding planning and weddings in general can be stressful and nerve-wracking. It's very common to feel overwhelmed about everything and worry about what all could go wrong. It has even been said that planning a wedding is one of the most stressful feats a person can encounter. 

- Don't procrastinate on anything. Plan ahead, and start checking things off your to-do list as soon as you've set a wedding date. The sooner you accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished, the sooner you can put those things out of your mind.

- Let people help you. Hire a wedding planner if necessary. Do your wedding planning research and accept support from family, friends and your fiance. A little extra help and support can go a long way.

- Stay within your budget, and be realistic about how much you can afford. 

- Stay organized. Don't shy away from to-do lists, budget spreadsheets, organizers, etc.  

Doubt

So you just got engaged or your wedding day is steadily approaching, and suddenly you have to wonder what the hell you're getting yourself into. Pet peeves and potential deal breakers from your future spouse start jumping out at you from every angle, your pessimistic friend is telling you about divorce statistics, and seeing that ring on your finger makes you want to throw up in your mouth a little bit. 

- Write down a long list of reasons why you love your fiance and want to share the rest of your life with him or her. Push the nasty voice of doubt and negativity out of your mind long enough to bring your focus back to love and happiness. You're not delusional. You're just scared...And that's okay.

- Spend some quality time with your future spouse. For example, plan a mini-vacation and commit to not talking about the wedding while you're away. Give yourself some space from all the stress, pressure and Negative Nancys, and allow yourself to get drunk off of nothing but the love of your life for a few days.   

- Challenge your doubts. Whenever a new doubt pops up in your mind, question it. Look at it from every angle. If you can find no logical reason behind the doubt, kick it to the curb. 

- Write down your feelings, or talk about them with a friend, relative or counselor. Get them out in a way that feels right and therapeutic to you, whether verbally or artistically.     

Emotional Bliss

I'm a very emotional person. I cry all the time---when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm discouraged, when I'm happy, etc. If/when I ever get married, I will probably cry throughout the entire occasion. It's very common and almost inevitable for a bride and groom to shed overwhelmingly happy tears before, during or after their wedding ceremony---especially during surreal or loving moments such as the bride walking down the aisle, the reciting of wedding vows, or the first dance. 

- Be in the moment, and give yourself permission to get emotional. If you suppress your unadulterated joy, you might regret it later because you will be focusing more on trying not to cry and less on truly being present in each beautiful moment with your future spouse. Getting emotional during your wedding is a normal and beautiful thing.

- Wear waterproof mascara.

- Have tissues or a handkerchief close at hand. Especially if you're like me and you cry profusely out of your nose instead of your eyes. Yuck.

- Smile through your tears to avoid ugly crying photos. Smiling with tears in your eyes makes your eyes sparkle.      

Melancholy

Getting married will evoke lots of joy, but it may also evoke feelings of sadness or melancholy. Marriage is a giant leap from your old life. You may feel worried about how it will affect your existing relationships or how it will change your life as a whole. Your parents might be emotional or say things like, "I can't believe my little girl (or boy) is getting married," which can make you feel emotional right along with them. And let's not forget about the post-wedding blues---that feeling of not quite knowing what to do with your life after your big day has finally come and gone.

- Spend plenty of quality time with your loved ones before your wedding day. Take mom out to dinner, plan a weekend getaway with your friends, spend a few nights with a close relative, etc. You can easily get caught up in planning a wedding and preparing to spend your life with your "main squeeze," so it's important to show all your other squeezes that you still want to spend time with them too. Making a point to do this might take the edge off the sadness of change and transition.

- Talk about your feelings with your spouse. He or she might be feeling the same way. Again, you're both in this together now.

- Shift your perspective. Instead of feeling sad after your wedding is over, try getting excited about the next chapter of your life with your new spouse. Your wedding is only the beginning of the wonderful memories the two of you will make together.

- Set new goals. Planning a wedding takes up a lot of time, energy and attention. After it's over, you may feel profoundly unproductive. But instead of looking over your shoulder, look ahead and focus on what you want to accomplish next in your life.

<3 Madison     

18 Quotes About Love from Keltie Colleen

Keltie and her future husband

Image source: aprettyheart.com

Keltie Colleen is one of my favorite bloggers/humans. She has been motivating and inspiring me since the day I discovered her over on her old blog, High Kicks and High Hopes. I've been a loyal "moonbeamer" ever since. (She calls her readers moonbeamers.) 

Keltie is getting married one month from today. She has experienced many ins and outs of love and has shared a vast majority of them in her book and on her blog. On a particularly melancholy and unproductive day awhile back, I found myself gathering up some of my favorite quotes about love from her. And as her big day approaches, I'm just dying to share them.  

These quotes are honest, relevant, inspiring and beautifully worded. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

1. "Am I ruining my relationship because I'm scared of forever or scared that I won't be able to live up to being someone's forever? Was it easier to love people from afar? Was it easier to save people than to have people save me?" 

2. "If the sun is shining on me and I can allow happiness into my heart, then I am the richest girl in town."  

3. "Sometimes, no matter how much time has passed or whose feelings were hurt, a person will always have a very special place in your heart. Years take the edge of rejection. Years take the sadness out of "I can't." The world has an amazing way of giving you what you need, and not always what you want." 

4. "Everyone is perfect for somebody. But we are not always perfect for who we think we should be perfect for. Love will find you. In the places you are not looking. Love is gonna find the people who broke your heart too, and you should want that for them. We all deserve happiness, and once you find your own "meant to be," you won't feel so horrible about your "not meant to be's" loving someone else. Trust me." 

5. "I wish happiness could erase old hurt the way old hurt obliterates knowing better." 

6. "Being in love doesn't equal complete bliss and happiness. There will still be highs and lows." 

7. "When you really love someone, the next feeling is always complete and utter fear of losing them." 

8. "Nothing is forever, so you better love him or her with every heartbeat you have right now." 

9. "Loving someone is really hard. It involves a heck of a lot of trust, courage and fearlessness. It involves giving away parts of yourself and being unsure if you will ever see them again." 

10. "You will have many great loves in your life. Some will last and some will not, but they all have a purpose and meaning." 

11. "You have to be brave and stand up for the love you really deserve, or people will walk all over your heart." 

12. "Sometimes I wonder how much a heart can hold and if loving too much might be the reason hearts get heavy." 

13. "You do not deserve love. You cultivate it." 

14. "Do not try to act or be different in order to make someone love you. Be your beautiful self, and love will come." 

15. "The bottom might fall out, and promises are only good until they are broken, and love is scary, and it's the biggest risk of your life to love something because there's only losing after that."

16. "My soul is scared and empty, and the only thing that seems to make me feel better is the fact that we are all so lost. So, so lost in love." 

17. "There are amazing people to meet, know and love, but you won't ever see them if you keep focusing on the toxic, tragic train wrecks from the yesterdays of your love life." 

18. "Love, whether it lasts one day or ten years, is never easy to lose. Once love lets its feelings loose in your bloodstream, there's no turning back. You breathe different. You talk different. You are different." 

Visit Keltie's website to learn more about her and find her various homes on the Internet. If she doesn't inspire the crap out of you, I don't know who will. 

<3 Madison